You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
