We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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