Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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