I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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