i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
