our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
