woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
