apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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