Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You made out with two different species that night
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
