In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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