the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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