saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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