youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
