Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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