the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
