While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
