i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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