i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
