you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
