Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
