had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
