We're facebook friends in real life
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
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