She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
This baby is an asshole
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Randomize
