She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
