Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
