Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
