so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
