Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
