I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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