You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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