Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
