I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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