New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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