you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize