This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
