I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
