life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
