dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
