why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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