I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
