guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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