I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
