Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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