'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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