Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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