Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize