God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
