Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
