U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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