my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I look excited, but its just a facade.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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