You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
birth control should be required to get into college
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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