Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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