May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
