you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
