Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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