You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
