Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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