I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize