Pants 0. Shit 1.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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