How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize