Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
