Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
