Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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