Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I love how my cats smell like pot.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
