I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
