I just saw a hot homeless man
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
