I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
