Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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