and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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