and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
