Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
