i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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