Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
