I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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