turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I think my moral compass just broke
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
