all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
